The parts we think we need to hide in order to be “attractive” are actually the powerhouses of our ability to love.
Common culture teaches all these skills to airbrush our presentation of self, acting more confident, playing hard to get, all those things that are about making yourself more attractive. That approach actually means you’re screwed from the start. It means putting a freeze lock on your authenticity and spontaneity. It never ends up working. It feeds all of our insecurities.
We tend to disapprove of the weak, sensitive, vulnerable parts of ourself.
But ultimately we never stop loving those parts.
These are the parts of ourself that are aching to be liberated.
“To the degree that I cherished those qualities in myself I began becoming attracted to people who cherished those qualities in me.”
Personal Thought: It’s interesting that when Johnny and I met I wasn’t hiding those parts of myself as much as I usually did. I was being as authentic as I could with him. I don’t know why. Interestingly, he was attracted to me because of that.
If we abandon our sensitivities then we will attract people who can never fulfill us.
If we embrace our sensitivities we will find someone that honors and cherishes us.
The places we feel the most awkward or uncomfortable are our holy places.
This is where our gifts lie.
You can’t just go after people who are good for you, the ones that you think are good for you.
Sometimes there isn’t real attraction there.
You can’t force your attractions just because they are “good for you”.
There is primal sexual attraction that has to go along with it. (more on that in another post)
2 Different Types of Attraction
Attraction of Deprivation:
They’re almost available, but not quite.
They are hot, exciting attractions, but they only scratch an itch, they don’t feed a real need.
What are the types that have broken your heart again and again, you won’t stop being attracted to these people but you should understand that they will never fulfill you on the deepest level.
Attraction of Inspiration:
This is a different thing. You’re not only physically attracted to them, you’re emotionally and spiritually attracted to them because they have integrity, consistency and by the way they act in the world. Attraction will build in a different way. It won’t be that fiery up and down, up and down kind of ride. It’s more like being fed from the inside and feeling something grow richer, more celebratory and more real as time goes on. That’s where we want to look for love. Find the people who amplify who you are. Who is on the same wavelength as you?
Exercise: try this exercise for 2 days
Get a journal and over 2 days make little notes to yourself answering these questions:
What kinds of interactions fill my heart?
What kinds of interactions hurt my heart?
What are the themes that emerge?
These are your core gifts, where you can be hurt the most and moved the most.
Those are the places where your magic lies.
The places that you are the most tender are the places that you love from.
Things that hurt you=breaks in connection and love where that love matters the most to you.
You will find that if there is an insensitivity to a part of you that is hurt you will find that that part of you is a part that you need to be able to honor and choose people who honor that part of you.
You may have a tremendous sensitivity to other people being honored. That’s a core gift place.
Always ask, “what’s the gift in here?”
For a lot of us it’s hard to ask for what we really want from our partner.
So we either don’t ask and stay somewhat resentful or we ask but we ask in a way that isn’t coming from a place of need, it’s more like giving an order.
When we ask from a place of real authenticity something really different happens.
THE GOOD STRUGGLE=
Where you have a really hard giving your partner what they need and where they have a really hard time giving you what you need. The question is, “do you honor that journey?”