Women everywhere desire to be sought after. Not only their physical bodies, but their deepest soul. Many will seek the physical attraction and stop short of diving deep. Some of us believe we know our partner, our mate, and so we stop seeking them. But the truth is, we never stop opening and growing, marriage is a lifelong seeking of another's soul through all of lives various stages. It looks different every year, sometimes every day.
Women, and I think men as well, but specifically women, desire a mate that will walk through the desert of her inner workings, watering the dying plants along the way and seeking the wild spring that is hidden across desolate landscapes. I believe that men are fulfilled by this seeking because in the end, they fulfill their lover. They fulfill their lover in such a deep way that it evokes something powerful within. It’s the power that we ought to be wielding. It is the power to get at the core of another human being instead of dancing around the center but never quite hitting it.
People will ask how? They will use all sorts of excuses about how their partner is difficult, ambiguous and volatile.
The difficult, ambiguous and volatile partner is not getting their needs met.
Something deep within them is crying out and they don’t know how to communicate it. The other partner must be a seeker. They must seek the truth in the other person. They must ask, seek, listen, ask, seek, listen. This creates safety, and safety allows growth.
It’s also helpful to know that women have two natures, the one they showcase to the world and the wild woman in their soul. Women are seeking a mate that can match their wild soul within. They desire a mate that will see both of their natures, be able to name them and know them intimately.
One part of a woman lives in the daylight. She is pragmatic, practical and cultured.
One part of a woman lives in the world not easily seen. She is the wild woman.
There are many times that this part of us surfaces in the daylight. She always leaves the feeling of inspiration and an opening, or challenge to the status quo. She is a powerful force within us.
This duel nature in woman can be incredibly confusing to men, and women, themselves, for that matter. The two natures of women must be in communication. There is much strength in knowing how to wield and understand each part. There is immense power in bringing the two together as one.
This is what the other partner must seek; to know and nourish the dual nature of their woman. Men also have a dual nature. The wilderman is one who wishes to learn. He is delighted by learning and seeking. When a man acts naive and refuses to allow that growth he becomes stagnant and therefore his partner feels unloved because he is not seeking out their wild soul.
“It is an act of deepest love to allow oneself to be stirred by the wildish soul of another.” -Women Who Run with the Wolves
The reason we don’t experience this deep love is because we are afraid. We are afraid of losing something, exposing too much, so we put up protective walls. The man who is a match for the wild woman is the one who keeps returning in order to understand, a man of endurance, a man who is curious about his lover, a man who allows his partner to amaze, inspire and shock him.
When we enter into union with another we are also willing to touch the not-so-beautiful parts of another and ourselves.
“To love pleasure takes little. To love truly takes a hero, who can manage his own fear.”
“They contemplate what they fear, and paradoxically, respond with both conviction and wonder.”
People who “run away” or “hide” in a relationship aren’t actually running from the other person. They are running from the pressures of a relationship. This has been called “fear of commitment or intimacy” in our culture. But it’s much deeper than that. It is the fear of diving into the ugly with another person. Marriage is different than
dating because it threatens to dislodge the skeletons at the bottom of our lake. As we watch the corpse floating to the surface it’s almost too much to bear.
We are misled to think that relationships are romantic always. Even when our parents say, “marriage is work” we don’t believe them. I’ve watch a lot of older couples in my life struggle through that “work” and because of religion or comfort, they remain in dead relationships. The skeletons are floating to the surface but the revelations that come from unearthing aren’t being heard. They are falling on deaf and unwilling ears.
After the romantic stage of a relationship there is an opportunity to show courage by letting the skeletons rise to the surface and even forming a relationship with them. We emerge from the romantic fantasy that precedes deep love. I can say from experience that the shallow romantic love at the beginning of a relationship or in a movie scene is NOTHING compared to the relationship that develops as we allow ourselves to go through all the stages together. That love is exponentially different.
People try to get there with little work. They want to see the view point at the top of the mountain but give up at the first or second rest stop. They may be able to see a small view from this place, but they have no idea what kind of epic revelations live at the top. The hike is what we must do. This is how we build sustainable love that can withstand hardships and fulfill our wild souls.